For Intended Parents
Traditional surrogacy is when the surrogate becomes pregnant with the sperm of the intended father. Her egg is fertilized and she carries the pregnancy with the intention that the baby will be placed with the intended parents - they will become the legal parents of this baby. In these traditional surrogacy arrangements, although the surrogate is agreeing to conceive and bear a child for the intended parents, the conception and pregnancy are the result of the fertilization of her egg. She is both the genetic mother and the birth mother. This may also be referred to as genetic surrogacy. The problem with the traditional surrogacy arrangement is the legal risk. Except in the cases of some current surrogacy laws and legal procedures that must be carefully followed for legal protection, the baby is legally and ethically the child of the surrogate. If there are no laws to protect the intended parents, and if the intended parents do not retain legal counsel to carefully attend to the laws and procedures that may protect the intended parents, the traditional or genetic surrogate would have every right to change her mind and keep her baby. Some U.S. states, such as Connecticut, surrogacy laws are passing legal provisions that enable intended parents using a genetic surrogate to be protected legally. However, the legal parentage birth order cannot be finalized until after the birth.
In gestational surrogacy arrangements, an embryo is created from an egg that is NOT the surrogate’s egg. Therefore, the surrogate is never genetically related to the embryo. Although the one drawback of gestational surrogacy is the cost, there are good reasons why people turn to this way of having a child through surrogacy. It is legally safe in that the intended parents can become the legal parents of their gestating baby before the birth. The surrogate will not have an inclination or desire to keep someone else’s genetic child. She has her own children. In fact, when we consult with intended parents, we assure them of this by telling them (and this is true) that the surrogate wants to make sure that the parents take custody of their child. Also, the intended parents have the control of making their own embryos, either with their own egg and sperm, or with egg donors and/or sperm donors that they choose.
In vitro fertilization is an assisted reproductive medical technique that involves retrieving sperm and eggs from intended parents and/or sperm or egg donors, combining the sperm and eggs in a laboratory to fertilize the eggs and create embryos. The embryos may then be used in an embryo transfer medical procedure that inserts the embryo into the uterus of either an intended mother or a gestational surrogate.
Artificial insemination is a reproductive medical procedure by which a fertility physician (IVF doctor) injects semen into a woman’s vagina or uterus by artificial means.
Egg Donation is the process by which a woman undergoes medical treatment to stimulate the production of many eggs. These eggs are then retrieved from the woman’s ovaries by a fertility physician. A woman donates eggs to enable another woman or couple to create embryos. For assisted reproduction purposes, egg donation typically involves in vitro fertilization technology, with the eggs being fertilized in the laboratory; or the unfertilized eggs may be frozen and stored for later use. In such arrangements, there must be an egg donation contract between the donor and recipient(s). Egg donors may be known donors or anonymous donors.
Sperm Donation is a procedure in which a man produces and donates semen to help an individual or a couple create embryos and conceive a baby. In this arrangement, there must be a sperm donation agreement. Sperm donors may be known donors or anonymous donors. There are also cryobanks where intended parents may choose a sperm donor whose sperm is already deposited at the crybank.
The surrogacy process in the United States is a costly and complicated process. Where do people begin? There are starting points for everyone. The gestational surrogacy process is called a journey for good reason. The first step is to say that you want to go on this journey. Second, you learn about the journey as it has been taken by many before you. Read about the process and talk to friends, family or co-workers who have been on the journey. Most importantly, if you are in a relationship and planning to take the journey with your partner, discuss and deliberate carefully and intimately what this will be like for you to do this together. Plan to make compromises and prepare to talk about difficult topics such as how to finance the journey, what will happen if there are frustrations or hurdles along the way. Make a commitment to work things out together for the good of both of you. If you are single, discuss your plans with a trusted friend or family member. You don’t have to announce your plans to everyone, of course. But having an intimate support system will be important to share the happy times and get through the challenging times with support and care.
It might even be a good idea to meet with a counselor or therapist who specializes in creating families through assisted reproduction. Even in the best and most sound and satisfying relationships, challenges may arise that will cause tension and perhaps disagreement in what resolutions or solutions to pursue. A competent and trained therapist will assist the Intended Parent(s) in uncovering potential sources of disagreement and help the Intended Parent(s) to prepare with strategies to successfully navigate such issues that arise. The stronger the foundation for the journey, the more successful, positive and happy the journey will be.
Once the decision is made to pursue gestational surrogacy to have children, the Intended Parents must begin to gather information about what is entailed in a surrogacy journey. It is a complex process that involves social, psychological, medical and legal aspects and each of these should be explored.
The internet is useful to obtain resources but should not be relied upon for accurate information. It is not that people who publish on the internet are not trying to put forth good information. Many are trying to do this and some information is very useful but laws changes, medical processes change and sometimes you find the cases and situations that create fear and disruption in people's lives . Therefore, it is imperative for Intended Parents to have actual consultations with lawyers and physicians to better understand the process and to educate themselves about costs, legal matters and to gain insight as to what it means to select a surrogate and join with her and her family to bring a baby into the world.
Another way to gather information is to attend conferences that provide resources and information about creating families through alternative reproduction. There are conferences, seminars, and workshops all over the world that present information about surrogacy. There are also groups and organizations that hold meetings and offer presentations on alternative family building.
Another method of gaining insight and information is to talk to parents who have already taken the journey and who have had their children through gestational surrogacy. This is a way of finding out first-hand things that go right, as well as experiences that are difficult. Keep in mind, though, that every surrogacy journey is different. There are intended parents in married and unmarried couples, single intended mothers, single intended fathers, gay couples, and straight couples. There are couples who have suffered years of infertility treatments turning to surrogacy as a last hope, and there are intended parents who have had illnesses such as cancer, heart disease, genetic conditions that leave them in need of a gestational surrogate to carry their baby.
The goal is to gather information but also to maintain the realistic perspective that your journey is your own and will not be like anyone else’s. Why does this matter? It’s true that the steps are similar for each journey but people are different. How you relate to the woman who is your surrogate, what thoughts and desires will go into your choice of a surrogate, how you will approach creating embryos, choosing your professional team, and experiencing the pregnancy and birth will be different from anyone else’s experiences.
Because of the complexity, interviews and consultations with professionals such as physicians, lawyers and surrogacy agency administrators are crucial in terms of deciding on the professional team. Intended Parents need to feel the right fit, and the trust they need to move ahead with a professional team. Intended parents must seek out experienced, knowledgeable, and compassionate professionals with track records of helping many people in having their children through gestational surrogacy.
The team concept is critical. Surrogacy involves a group of people who come together to bring a baby into the world. The intended parents and the surrogate, and the surrogate’s husband if she is married, come together and form the nucleus of the group bringing the baby into the world. The professional team, consisting of physician, clinical staff, lawyer, surrogacy agency case manager and support staff surround and support the nuclear group to provide critical and necessary foundational assistance to successfully navigate the surrogacy journey.
To begin, when working with a surrogacy agency, the intended parents will complete a profile for the agency to use in the process of matching them with a surrogate. The profile will include personal information, including an essay or story that the intended parents will write about themselves. This may cover the story of their relationship and how they got together, what they love about each other, things like they to do such as travel, sports, and hobbies, what brought them to surrogacy – their desire to have children, their fertility hardships, or simply that they are a gay couple and looking for a special someone to carry their baby. The profile will include photos such as photos of their wedding, vacations and happy times with extended family.
In a well-run surrogacy agency, the screening of the surrogate is done prior to the match being made. There are good reasons why this must occur. Mainly, this will avoid disappointment and frustration for the parties. The surrogate, if she is screened before being matched, will have confidence that she is qualified to move ahead as a surrogate. The intended parents will also have confidence and they can now get to know their surrogate without the worry that she may not work out as their surrogate. There is always some risk that the match will not work out but the goal of the agency, in doing the screening before confirming the match, is to minimize the risk as much as possible. The matching process is not something that is done overnight or quickly. Great care and attention to detail must go into the matching process.
The matching team will be well aware of the details of the profiles of their intended parents and surrogates. The team’s work will focus on comparing profiles and eventually showing profiles to the intended parents. Before showing a profile to intended parents, the team will make sure that the surrogate candidate is interested in the parents. In this way, the possibility of parents favoring a surrogate profile but then finding out that the surrogate does not wish to carry for them will be avoided. In hearing this, intended parents should not be concerned. All intended parents are matched as long as the criteria they have for a surrogate are reasonable. It is just that all parties have preferences. Some surrogates may wish to carry for a gay couple and some for a straight couple. Some will prefer an intended parent couple and some will gladly carry for a single intended parent. Many surrogates do not have such preferences but it is the responsibility of the matching team to compare these factors and make sure they present appropriate and willing surrogate candidates to the intended parents.
The parties mutually choose each other. This is why the agency work is important in the matching process. Behind the scenes, a surrogacy agency is making preliminary matches that make sense and that will most likely work for everyone. So when they proposed a match to the intended parents, it has been well-thought-out, and it is a proposed match that will meet as close as possible the needs and desires of the intended parents. Most importantly, the intended parents and the surrogate and her husband, if married, are well-advised and thoroughly informed about each other.
To have a baby through surrogacy, it will most likely be approximately eighteen months to two years from signing on with a surrogacy agency, to being matched with a surrogate, getting to embryo transfer and pregnancy, and then to delivery and birth of the intended parents’ baby.
The three stages of the journey are:
When the legal matters of the surrogacy arrangement are handled competently, the names of the intended parents will go on the birth certificate after a surrogate birth.
Financing options for surrogacy journeys include loans, grants, insurance and employment benefits. Many corporations now offer family building benefits and financial assistance for surrogacy from $10,000 to $80,000.00. Progyny, Carrot, Maven and Men Having Babies are some sources of surrogacy benefits. There are also medical lenders that offer loans for surrogacy with very good interest rates. Learn more about the costs associated with becoming an intended parent.
Interested in seeing if you qualify to become a gestational surrogate? Take this 2-minute quiz to see if you qualify!
