How Surrogates Choose Families and Vice Versa

The most successful surrogacy journeys start with the perfect match. Whether you're a surrogate or IP, there is incredible excitement in finding the parent(s) or carrier that will help you grow or create a family. 

Surrogacy matching agencies are responsible for asking the right questions, identifying values and goals among applicants, and introducing potential perfect matches.

At the end of the day, however, it's up to the families and surrogates to decide who they want to join them on their surrogacy journey. 

Find Mutual Goals

When you're looking to find the perfect match, the best foundation starts with a set of mutual goals. Do you know how many children you'd like/you'd like to carry? Do you want to maintain a relationship with your surrogate/IPs after the birth? Do you want to introduce your child(ren) via surrogate to the woman that carried them for nine months?

Have Shared Values

Like in any other relationship, it's important to know what values the other person holds. 

The surrogacy journey isn't a straight road. There are a number of different choices to make and options to consider from embryo transfer to birth. 

Do you support selective reduction? If the baby has a genetic disability, would you consider termination? Who does the surrogate want in the room if she undergoes a C-section? 

Knowing what's important to you and your IP(s)/surrogate is an important part of the matching process. It encourages a healthy, happy journey for everyone involved. 

Be Transparent

You and your IP(s)/surrogate may have shared values and goals from the start, but it's important to maintain that level of transparency throughout the surrogacy journey.

For surrogates, transparency with your IP(s) will help ease your pregnancy, your relationships, and your state of mind. If you're worried about pregnancy risks, discuss them with your IP(s). Even if you agreed on it from the start, if you become uncomfortable with the level of involvement your IP(s) have in your life during the pregnancy, it's important to let them know?and vice versa.

For IP(s), transparency is just as important. Let her know how you feel throughout the journey?negative or positive?and encourage a healthy exchange with your surrogate. 

Ask the Hard Questions

A few of the hard questions will be addressed from the start?selective reduction, genetic disability termination, compensation,  etc.?but others may arise during the course of the surrogacy journey. 

These may include (but aren't limited to): 

• What if the baby loves you more than me (as an IP)? 
• Do you want to be included at our baby shower? 
• How can we help you if you're feeling depressed?  
• Can I (as a surrogate) stay in touch with you and the baby after birth? 

These are only a few questions you may need to address. It's important that you don't sweep these under the rug. This will ensure that you maintain open communication through every stage of the surrogacy journey.  

Find that "Spark" 

It may seem like IPs have full control over which surrogates they're choosing since the surrogates are the ones who asked to help, but surrogates also have a right to approve and accept the IPs.  

In some cases, it may come down to several qualified candidates on paper, but no matter how much you have in common, remember that you'll be spending the next 9+ months together. Find an individual or couple that you get along with. 

Sometimes, if you know, you know!